cornered

Not sure why but I have the last 6 to 9 months anyway, felt like I had the market cornered on sadness. I thought at least I'm best at something. Today as I pulled into the church parking lot (10 minutes late) I notice someone bent almost half over. After parking and walking toward the door I recognize a man I admire very much. He's a mans man. As far as I ever thought he has everything I lack and then some. Always seems happy, smiling, glad to see you and the slightest hint of male cockiness.

Today here he is openly weeping into a tissue. I mean completely, uncontrollably, letting it all out. Now I've done this, more times than I'd like to admit and I didn't have the good sense to go outside. I thought to myself if our roles were reversed. Would I want him to walk by and pretend he didn't see me, or come over hug me and say, "I love you?" In truth as embarrassing as it would be I choose the latter. Yet what I did was the former. Why did I do that? Am I gutless? Uncaring? Maybe I don't have enough strength left to share any out.

Please know my friend...I do love you. This world is too cold and this life is too short to let someone you know and care about suffer alone.

God give me the strength to never let this opportunity pass again.

Giving back

Two mini stories slightly related. It's on my mind and this will be a record of it.

One evening after spending time with the girlfriend at the time, I was still in high school for reference...my car broke down on the way home. It was about 10 miles to our house. I walked back to her place and knocked like crazy but she would not wake up. I could even see her through the window. Asleep. So I began the long trek home. It was dead of winter and snowing and after midnight. There were virtually no cars going by but I started putting my thumb out hoping. Someone did stop and gave me a ride all the way into town. This left me only a mile or so to walk. I was grateful.

A couple of weeks later driving that same road I saw someone trying to hitch a ride and felt that I owed the favor back. This turned out to be so scary. The guy wanted to smoke pot in my car and was overall a rough character. I was relieved when he got out.

When I moved back here I had almost no plan what-so-ever. But I knew my friend mj would rent me a room and I could establish myself from there and she did. It made things so much easier and I was grateful. Although I was sorta squeezed out by her mother and brother it was still a life saver for a few months.

At the end of last year I had the opportunity to return this favor back to the general cosmos. However once again the favor came with ramifications that were unexpected and painful if not scary. I firmly believe this has caused a loss in my life which I will regret for the rest of time and while this situation is almost resolved...yes still not quite damn it. I'm not completely certain I can recover what I've lost.

So no good deed goes unpunished and hope must prevail.

faith

Preacherman hasn't inspired me in a while. Today was good. Inspired may be the wrong word. Spoke to me is the idea. The sermon spoke to me today. I think a good sermon should speak to you. It might not speak the same thing to each individual but it should have some relevance in your life.

So I didn't ask anyone else, "Was it good for you?" but I should have.

He has described faith in this way before, (The assurance of things hoped for the belief in things not seen) But he took it a good bit further today. Talking about the relationship between faith and risk. The greater the risk the greater the faith. I have taken some risks lately based upon things hoped for and these things have mostly not worked out. But here's the thing, I refuse to loose faith of that yet not seen. Because I know it exists. I have not seen it and it is not yet appropriate but I have faith and feel led keep this faith.

The risk is enormous. The faith is enormous. The potential reward is enormous. I will continue to hold the faith, keep focused on that not seen. Love will win one day. Love must always win.

How

How many times can the heart be broken before it will fail to mend?

How many hurtful words must be spoken before love comes to an end?

How many times can you watch her walk away before hope looses hold?

How many glances nonchalant equal a hello?

How many genuine smiles add up to a kiss?

How many offhanded comments to generate a hint?

How many hints are required for one to make a move?

How many moves will fail before the chances improve?

How many times must the wheel squeak before it gets the grease?

How much grease will be applied before the wheel gets replaced?

How many times can you look in her eyes without falling?

And I ask you...How far can you fall without breaking your heart?

conventional

More specifically unconventional. I imagine most people are hardest on themselves. It's difficult to look back over ones life when there isn't much you're proud of. I'm not totally down on myself but as for a mark on the world I'll be lucky to leave the slightest blemish. At 44 y/o I'm single, alone most of the time, have no children, formal education and not much of a purpose.

I feel like it's akin to the old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?" "If you go through your life and no one remembers you, did you exist?" Now don't worry I'm not falling deeper into depression. Just pondering.

I've done so many things in an unconventional manner. I know I'm not absolutely unique in this...but I don't know many who have trod the same path. Out of high school I joined the Navy. Enlisted. I wasn't the top of my HS class, I think 4th maybe. Don't hold me to it. After the Navy I married my ex, one of only 3 women I dated the entire 6 years of Naval experience. Long six years! Our marriage wasn't terrible but it was unspokenly decided that we just weren't ready for children. After 12 years we weren't married anymore either.

I always felt like I'd get a "real" education. But I always landed such good jobs and I suppose I was just lazy. I've moved far away from any family and yet I seem to be healthier here. My sister and I have always been close but we are so much closer now. These last few months have been quite troubled for me. Without the countless conversations I'm not sure I could have made it through. Perhaps I'm not yet through.

I always thought there was some magic formula for how to live your life that I didn't know about. Or perhaps I was sick that day. Seemed as though everyone else knew what to do. I mostly stand around in abject awe and wonder, staring trying to figure it out. Something I find increasingly difficult is decisions. Stupid stuff like furniture. Which is why I have virtually none. Should I paint the wall this color or that? So it doesn't get painted. I know this sounds ridiculously stupid and it is. But how much more enjoyable it is to make such decisions with a second opinion!

So I'm plodding through life minimally. Cooking what I like to eat. Doing what I like to do. Choosing in virtually all things what I want. It feels so selfish. The desire to share is ever present. This too is likely selfish since it would be unloading some of the burden of decisions. Unloading sounds pretty wonderful. Maybe the crux of this whole issue is my propensity to continuously look back at what I haven't done or what I feel I've done wrong instead of trying to get it right from here. This is where I probably need help. At least I have made one decision. Working towards this education thing. Maybe I'll buy an easy boy or something. Start small...wonder what color..........

Biding

Biding my time. Waiting for something to work out. I know it will. It has to work out, I've sulked, cried, morned and allowed myself to slip into such a dark and awful place that faith had left me. Some strength came to me this week. I've finally resolved a living arrangement problem that has plagued me for months and now I know things will work out my way and how I desire.

I know this because I can feel it in my heart and in my soul. It's a wonderful feeling saying, wait...be patient a bit longer. Right around the corner is something you've prayed about for many months now. Coming your way is the answer to these prayers.

I do believe this. I must believe this. I am going to will it into being. And I am going to be grateful to the cosmos for this resolution. The feeling of relief is pure and the joy is returning to life.

I'm thankful, patient, hopeful and grateful

within

shine on.
never concede
follow your heart
love sets you free

love with your all
give without reserve
never give up
don't loose your nerve

the rarity of a mutuality
beyond all known
should not be let go
will not let you down

face the truth of your fear
test resolve
keep love near

hidden emotions
build on their own
no outlet
insist to be known

One day will come to light
all that is and has been
no more hiding or avoiding
Love - Love within